Gary Lucero Writer

Category: Depression

  • Life

    Life

    When I first started using computers, in the early 1980s, when I was around 20 years-old, I didn't know I had any limitations. 

    I wasn't interested in programming, not until almost 10 years later, but I  loved using those early computers. Learning all about them. Using word processors, spreadsheets, databases, utilities, 3D modeling and paint programs, and playing video games.

    When I did start programming, I didn't run into any issues. Then I got a job in software development, using PCs and Macs instead of Commodore 64s and Amigas, but they didn't present a hurdle. If anything, they seemed inferior to my amazing Amiga!

    In the mid-90s, I did start to see some limitations with my programming capabilities, but I just worked around them. I didn't see them as a problem, or as something that would keep me from advancing or doing my job.

    More recently, I've realized there are many things that have held me back. Not only my ability to master programming at a high level, but also my inherent disinterest in making that a full-time occupation. And how unwilling I have been to form long lasting bonds with peers, learn the politics of large organizations, all of which would have allowed me to move up the ladder.

    Today I know I have many shortcomings. I realize my life is limited in many ways, and even with the things I'm currently interested in, I can only go so far. I can't suddenly become manager material, become a top-flight engineer, or an expert in AI that suddenly causes headhunters to bang on my door.

    My life is what it is, for better or worse. I have a good job, get paid pretty well, but now that I'm older, my life is set. I won't suddenly become the CEO of a big company, start my own business, write the next great app, or anything of the sort.

    I'll just keep plugging along.
  • The Decline of the Human Spirit

    The Decline of the Human Spirit

    I mostly know about computer technology and video games. I’m not an expert in anything else. I’m not even an expert in myself. Too often I have no real idea what is going on in my body or my mind. And yet I find myself in a crisis, one that has been persistent for many years now. Maybe even decades. I’m not sure there’s a resolution or a happy ending.

    Part of it is the decay of humanity, and by that, I mean how we continue to die off.

    My parents, my oldest brother, my aunt, my niece. All of these people and many others are gone. And then there’s the seemingly endless parade of pets. Cats from my youth, and dogs from my adulthood. All gone.

    Part of it is the realization that I am stuck in this life.

    As a kid I saw the world as simple, easy, and that I would be able to find my place in it with ease. And as a Basque/Hispanic young adult who was white and spoke English, it wasn’t that hard. But I didn’t understand how my decisions would affect my life, and I didn’t pay attention, listen even, and now, as a 65-year-old, I see the dead end before me and wonder how I’ll make it through the rest of my life.

    Part of it is the realization that humanity is mostly evil, or so it seems.

    Interactions with people are difficult. There’s no way to know if someone you meet believes what you believe, or if there is even such as a thing anymore as shared belief. What if we are all just individuals, each charting his own way through life, rudderless, without a real goal except to protect what’s ours?

    Part of it is just having to struggle.

    I’m tired of taking care of people. Paying bills, worrying when something will come along that I can’t handle. There’s no one left to help me. I’m on my own. I have the whole weight of my household on my shoulders.

    Which makes me feel like my decline might be your decline.

    I know there are people out there winning at life. Rich, famous people. With an endless set of friends and loved ones. An ability to succeed no matter what. And the ability to do whatever they want, no matter if it’s legal or not, and still come out on top.

    But what about everyone else?

    Can we continue to take the brunt of the load while the rich get richer? They make all this shit we buy, pollute the world, ignore the laws, raise their extended finger at what’s right and will the world to form itself around their own ideals. While we falter.